if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize