Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm like, not good at living.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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