Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i think im in europe. pls send help
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
