I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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