maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
