You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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