At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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