I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
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so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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