I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
