She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...