I faked an abortion last night.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?