Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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