my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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