the condom got lost in my hair
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
