There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
