thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry about my life...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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