Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
