Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
