Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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