I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
