she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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