dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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