The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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