you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
