just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
