My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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