if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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