We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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