Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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