you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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