So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
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I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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