I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
