Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
