News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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