A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize