4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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