god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
