The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
