my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
