I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
