I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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