I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
