you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
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the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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