Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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