Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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