does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
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I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.