i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
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At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you