My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
