you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
