I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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