I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn