Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
