i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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