You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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