I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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