Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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