He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Holy shit dude........stairs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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